All the same, I tried to emotionally prepare myself to lose my hair. I also figured by doing that. It wouldn’t hit me so hard. After all, I’ve never been all that preoccupied with how I look. Sure, I’m like any Cuban-Brasilian, I do care. But…I don’t need to break out the Sunday finest to go to the grocery store.

My hair loss was insidious. It started shedding a week before my second treatment. It seemed a little more than normal but hey not too bad. A day before my second treatment, I started noticing some clearly defined thinning at my crown. But, it was still workable. Not too shabby. So why worry.

It was after the second treatment where it started falling out in droves. And it gets everywhere. As a woman, you think you shed like a Yeti as it is. But when you’re losing all your hair, it’s incredible how much hair there is. It probably would’ve made quite a number of squirrel nests. I wish I would’ve thought to hook up the squirrels in my neighborhood.

The good thing about my husband being a hairdresser is that he’s been able to cut and style my hair so that I could keep it as long as I could. But, the day finally came, over a month later where I couldn’t ignore it anymore. There was no amount of hair covering magic that was going to work.

So, we cut my hair Rachel Maddow short as Josh calls it. And, let my hair continue to fall. I couldn’t bring myself to shave it. The finality of it; it’s too much for me to deal with.

I still have more hair than Jason Voorhees had when he was a kid. Sooo, I guess that’s something. I also have two kick ass wigs. One is a half wig made from my hair and Vanessa’s.

I wish I could rock the bald look proud. But, I’m not there. Seeing myself with hair, helps me see myself as I was. It helps me feel closer to when I was healthy.

Sometimes, when I wake up or when I walk by a mirror, I’ve forgotten and am taken back by my Darth Vader after his mask gets taken off look. Then I remember, man, what a bummer.

As annoyed as I could get with my Cuban-fro, my bangs that never behaved, my hair’s love of frizz, I miss my hair.